


My Crappy 8 Year Old Fanfic (aka The REAL Star Warriors)

by SociallyUnacceptableOrb



Category: Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Gen, Not a Crossover, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 18:33:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15467460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SociallyUnacceptableOrb/pseuds/SociallyUnacceptableOrb
Summary: Finally living up to my username as I summarize a crappy fanfic I wrote when I was 13-14. Material within is not NSFW or overtly violent, it's just tagged that way for easy filtering away from my other, more serious work.





	My Crappy 8 Year Old Fanfic (aka The REAL Star Warriors)

**Author's Note:**

> When I was 12, I hated Meta Knight. Like, burning, prepubescent hatred. I thought he was the real bad guy of the games and the show, and whenever I played Brawl, I always fought against a level 1 CPU of him and floored him with my favorite characters. Being that this is the Kirby fandom, I was not very popular, until... I got a copy of Superstar Ultra for my birthday, and my tween hate-boner was finally vilified with the sub-game Revenge of Meta Knight. A canonical storyline in which Meta Knight evilly twirls his mustache and tries to kill Kirby like some coked-up Sportacus from hell.
> 
> It was also around this time I watched the anime, where it also seemed like my hatred for Meta Knight was encouraged, being that Tiff (oops, I mean Fumu!) constantly scolded him for being selfish, and there even was an episode where some girl tried to murder Meta Knight! Of course, I was goddamned delusional, so clearly Meta Knight kept his spine whilst I fumed and decided to fix canon by making a fanfic where everyone knew the true extent of his EVIL.
> 
> And I just rediscovered it yesterday, still in the stupid laminated binder I’d slapped it in, expecting this to be my magnum opus. I will not be posting the full story, but I’ll be going through it with a fine tooth-comb for your sick amusement. Kill me.
> 
> For the record, the ‘cover art’ consists of a traced picture of Sirica, a bunch of bootleg Kirby stickers, a poorly free-handed drawing of Escargoon, and a traced picture of Misty from the Pokémon anime with Tiff’s haircut. 
> 
> Was originally called “The REAL Star Warriors” but shall henceforth be referred to as “Sirica and Kirby’s Epic Quest to Knock Meta Knight’s Dick into The Dirt.”

Sirica is shooting through space in her ship when the spirit of her mother tells her she must find Meta Knight before his plans of evil can spring farther. Purple prose right out the front gate, never to be seen again. So, she lands in Popstar all cool-like _(verbatim quote right there)_ and seeks out Meta Knight. She meets Kirby on the way and the two become good friends, and he introduces her to Tiff and Tuff, while Meta Knight watches from a tree. This causes him to storm the castle and kill Dedede.

Yeah. That’s his first reaction to a _‘might get in trouble for being evil’_ scare. Just… murder the king. GREAT PLAN, META KNIGHT. YOU’RE TOTALLY THE PICTURE OF INNOCENCE NOW. He also kills Sword and Blade for no reason and runs out of the castle swearing that he’ll get his revenge on Sirica and Kirby in a matter of time. The brutal massacre is treated like Meta Knight just tossed a glass vase on the ground.

Then Sword and Blade’s ghosts pop up out of nowhere and reveal that Blade’s a girl _(Wow! What a completely original idea!)_ and that the two were lovers, and now they can be together because Meta Knight cursed them to work under him. Yeah, he’s got secret evil magical powers because in Brawl, I thought he had a secret evil magical cape. They kiss and disappear into mist after telling Sirica and Kirby they’re the chosen ones or whatever.

Actually, nothing else much happens for the vast majority of the fic. It’s just characters interacting with Sirica and Kirby, calling them awesome and saying Meta Knight sucks. There’s an entire chapter where a bunch of the Cappys and some of my OCs make a band and sing a parody of a Hillary Duff song where they talk about how sucky Meta Knight is and how much better Kirby is.

There’s a rap break, courtesy of Escargoon. _In a Hillary Duff song._

Knuckle Joe was my favorite Kirby anime character back then, and it shows because he’s the only person that does anything. While everyone else is just telling Kirby and Sirica that they’re so cool and they’re better than Meta Knight, Knuckle Joe is always barging in punching a monster in the face or giving them exposition on where Meta Knight is and what he’s doing. I also wanted to marry him when I was younger, so my main OC/self-insert blew kisses to him in nearly every single scene he’s in. Down, girl.

So halfway through a 60-page story, Lady Like _(or Lady Luck, as I’d apparently called her)_ finally delivers some plot when she gives Sirica a letter from Kit Cosmos, telling her to come to his island immediately. It was at this point you could tell I stopped watching the sub, hated the dub, and was just baselessly googling characters, because the Twin Nuts were randomly on his island with zero explanation other than “well, they both live on an island!” or something.

The Twin Nuts then give Sirica a KEYBLADE, WHICH TURNS HER BLACK WITH PINK TIGER STRIPES AND SHE BECOMES ‘ULTI KNIGHT’. _SHE HAS GONE FULL BLONIC THE HEDGEHOG_. Yeah, I liked Kingdom Hearts, too, and was planning on making a sequel where the two series met up. All of a sudden, they all hear circus music and smell popcorn _(another verbatim quote)._  

They look over the horizon and they see two figures flying towards them! Oh, look! It’s Marx from the games, and he’s showing up in the anime! _(WOW! WHAT A COMPLETELY ORIGINAL IDEA!)_ and he brought Adeleine, from Kirby 64. Oh no, I’m sorry, ‘Adeline’ from Kirby 64. Not sure why I’d decided to follow that spellcheck suggestion and ignore all the rest, but there it is.

Marx is a good guy and he and ‘Adeline’ are engaged. I know this because the first words from Marx’s mouth are “YOU FOOLS STEP AWAY FROM MY ALMOST WIFE.” When Kirby and Sirica try to walk over to them. Yes, they’re still kids, and they’re engaged. Cut that out, you two. Go play some freeze tag and eat pizza rolls.

Also, Marx is referred to by all the characters as an elf, and his species is known as elves. I don’t remember why I decided to do that. Anyways, Knuckle Joe decides to get everyone’s hides in gear for once and rouses them so that they can fight Nightmare and his forces. And how do they decide to fight Nightmare?

They go to the castle and paint it black. Because the black paint attracts monsters like a shiny light, apparently. So, Nightmare shows up at the castle, and he cackles evilly, and talks about how they’ll never be able to defeat his most prized creation, Meta Knightmare.

Oh, wow! I wonder who this _totally_ from scratch original character could be- just kidding, it’s Meta Knight. And why is he rubbing elbows with Nightmare? Turns out he’s secretly always been a demon beast! _(WOW WHAT A COMPLETELY-)_

Magolor shows up in his evil form because Return to Dreamland came out around the time I was finishing the chapter. In the first paragraph of the next chapter, Meta Knightmare kills him to once more reiterate that he’s a dick. He also turns his sword into a harpoon and STABS ‘ADELINE’ IN THE HEART AND PINS HER TO A WALL AFTER SHE CALLS HIM UGLY. CHILL, MAN.

So, there’s a big fight that 85% rips off the chase scene on the boat from Treasure Planet, except instead of turning off the gravity and Mister Scroop flying off into the outer reaches of space, Kirby tricks Meta Knight into taking off his mask so he can inhale him. He then gains Meta Knight’s powers, but a “purified variant” of them, according to Tiff. Sirica just stabs Nightmare in the face and calls him a freak of nature, nothing too special about that.

There’s actually a touching scene with Marx and ‘Adeline’ as the poor girl dies, and he vows to always fight for her.  It’s immediately ruined when she’s revived at the end with a “special kiss” that turns her purple, gives her pointed ears and Marx’s wings, and makes her speak in rhyme from then on.

Actually, no. I lied. Here’s an uncut passage from the original text, describing in vivid and glorious detail on how ‘Adeline’ came to Popstar and how Marx revived her.

* * *

 

**“wait, what” asked fumu, as she gasped “she’s a human. oh my gosh. that’s crazy why did you give her your powers? because you knew she could handle them?”  
“Yea..” marx said nodding. “Adeline is human and humans are like elves, they have powers of moon magic and of the sun, but they can’t use them until they are chosen, usually they go to Hogwarts or to a magical church to learn more about their craft, but she came to my village and said she wanted to learn from us, so she did. Elves’ are super powerful so I knew she could be saved” he looked at Adeline’s new wings and winked at her and smiled. **

* * *

 

10/10.

Princess Rona comes out of nowhere and decides she’s the queen now, and everybody kind of just accepts this. At the end, there’s a picture with the sequel poster for the sequel I never made, showing the main cast. All of them were poorly drawn Next-Gen characters. There’s a Tiff/Iroo kid, a Knuckle Joe/OC kid, a Tuff/Honey kid, a Marx/Adeleine kid and… NOPE. YUP. THAT’S A KIRBY/SIRICA KID. I SHIPPED THEM, TIME TO PUKE.

And… Princess Elise and Escargoon’s kid?

You know, Princess Elise. From the 2006 _Sonic_ _the Hedgehog_ game. I’ve never played a Sonic game in my entire life or ever seen the cartoons, but I vaguely remember having a friend who loved Sonic, and since she already shipped most of the popular female characters with other male characters, I guess I chose Elise since she was the only one left over?

OH, AND YEAH. THERE’S ALSO A SORA/KAIRI KID AND SHE’S BEEN BEST PALS WITH THE KIRBY/SIRICA KID FROM BIRTH BECAUSE OF SOME CROSS-DIMENSIONAL MIND-MELD THING.  AND AQUA WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAIN BAD GUY BECAUSE LITTLE ME REALLY MUST HAVE HATED THE COLOR BLUE.

And I know that someone in the comments is going to say, _“don’t bash your little self, cringe culture is dead, we all started from somewhere”_ , but this is _not good_. It’s just, so, _so_ _bad_. Sure, it’s nice to know I had a big imagination when I was younger, but sometimes, you’ve got to just laugh at yourself and groan a bit. Except, god dammit, all the actually creative ideas were inspiring. So maybe you’re right, I guess.

_Hope this was as much of a trip for you as it was for me._


End file.
